8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize