he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
