The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
