fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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