I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
