Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
