That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
