The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
