You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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