yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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