Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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