I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
