Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
