dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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