One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
