He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
