Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
