I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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