We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Couch. On fire.
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