Your tits are I can't wait for
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
