it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
