I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
