i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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