No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just want nice things and good sex
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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