I checked into jail on foursquare
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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