There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
