the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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