absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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