Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
