I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
