I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
