dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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