1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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