I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
