pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
