My nipple is on Facebook.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
