I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
