I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Randomize
