I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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