im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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