I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
