You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
