I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
