You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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