Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
