Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize