yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
