He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
