Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
