My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
