I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
