i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
