Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
