Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
