he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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