nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
