I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize