I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
