Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
