I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
