I skipped work to stalk him.
My cat gives me a boner
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
