I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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