Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
