Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
