You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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